If you schedule it - people won't come.

Today was February's Designed in Mission. We had my friend Chris (hi Chris) and Stephen come and present on their communities. Both were great conversation partners, and I was especially interested in Stephen's perspective as the head of new church development for the Franconia Mennonite Conference.

I was, however, disappointed with the turn-out. Aside from the one person Stephen brought with him (hi Jess), one person showed up. To be fair, several of the people who have been coming were away this weekend, and Q and company would have come if I had managed to set up child-care, but over-all the turn out for these things have been disappointing. There have been times when I've almost begged people to come out and be part of this absolutely necessary conversation - only to look out and see most people crossing their arms in defiance (literally) or trying not to meet my gaze. Honestly, it gets depressing.

I guess most pastors go though seasons like this, wondering, "Why am I hear, Lord?" Knowing that it's common, however, doesn't make it any easier to go through. I'm just at a point where I'm not sure that my voice is very effective here and I'm not sure if this church actually wants to live, or have someone else live for them. I'm at the point where I don't want to come up with any new ideas, because I don't want to be disappointed again. In that sense, I'm guessing that I'm learning the lesson that this culture has been beating into the heads of everyone in this congregation for years, "Shut up and don't make waves and we'll leave you alone." I really don't want to learn that lesson, because once I do my effectiveness as a pastor will be over - but the temptation is there. I mean, why bother trying to move forward if people are just going hang back and hope you get it "out of your system?"

So, how do I wrestle with feelings like these positively to avoid self-pitying navel-gazing? Well, first I'm throwing myself into the ideas that I already have. The fall sermon series here is going to be one most provocative to date - we'll be examining the political implications of Jesus preaching in his contemporary setting and how that might impact the way we interact with the political realities of our current day. What'll make it so provocative is that I'll be preaching the series in the heat of a presidential campaign without simply telling people how Jesus would vote. Of all the things that I still have envisioned for Central, that series is the thing that gets my heart pumping the most. In fact, I'm already reading for it (and suggestions are most welcome). Second, I'm actually daring to ask if I should still be here as the pastor. This is a frightening thing for a lot of pastors to ask (and even more frightening for a congregation to hear), but it's a healthy thing to do. So far, the answer from friends, family, and pastors I trust has been, "Nope, not yet. God wants you here." This helps, even in my frustration, because I know I'm not just wasting my time (even if it feels like I am). It also helps because the freedom to ask that question directly addresses the sense of entrapment that a lot of pastor's have - knowing that if they leave they're also likely to loose their place of residence. Since I can ask that question openly, I know I'm not just staying out of a fear of being homeless - that's a good thing.

So here I am, I've got at least one thing left to do here as the Pastor of Central Baptist and I'm chomping at the bit to get to it. Yet, I have to say that it's getting harder and harder to come back over the bridge to New Jersey when I've been visiting my parents in PA. I miss the hills. Ah well, existential moment.